Part of my growth during this masters has been gaining confidence to run self-directed projects and make decisions without waiting for the approval of others (most importantly, teachers).
Why? Because throughout conventional education, I have been so used to double checking with teachers, tutors, colleagues and while there is beauty in the discussion of ideas, not everyone will share your vision and it’s important to believe in your vision. The thing about visions are that you have to make them happen in order to be able to tell whether they make sense or not – but if those ideas remain ideas then they never truly turn into a tangible vision.
In the past, I would’ve been so scared to reach out to other artists to ask whether they’d be interested in working in my project collaboratively. I’d become so shy when it comes to expressing my vision, I would have chosen not to take the idea forward due to fear of rejection by other artists or my lack of ability to lead.
And here’s where confidence takes place, and confidence in this context comes with knowledge. I have gotten to a point where my research has been so focused and immersive, I feel truly knowledgable. I have also learnt to accept my positionally and have accepted my initial biases, enough to be able to look outside of what I am comfortable with and start exploring areas that can equally express narratives but yet be explorative and new.
The thinking process to reach to utilising music and dance as two core ways to showcase these narratives came from accessibility. Music speaks all languages, there’s no right or wrong. Dance is bodily expression, it’s innate, it’s human. Both, raw and pure forms of expressivity.
Both art forms I have never worked with before. Both art forms I admire.
So, I reached out to a composer whose work is classical, methodical but also experimental. I explained to her my project and the idea of translating a collective narrative into one musical journey. Her response (translated from catalan) “This is a brilliant project. The emotions and references you’ve used are incredibly useful and I have in the past seen people go through really bad illnesses so I understand, to a certain extent, the frustration and uncertainty that comes with that” “I’d love to be part of this project to give a voice to people who don’t often seem to have one, and also, to make people like me think deeper about non-professional cancer caregivers…so in a way, raising awareness” “Please count me in”.
Ever since this point, Cristina (composer) and I have been constantly speaking through WhatsApp voice messages – I had sent her a PDF with a breakdown of the collective emotions gathered from my research and put together a list of musical references linked to each emotion/stage. I then explained her my experience, while translated others’ experiences to her.
As an example of my improvement in communication and leadership – one of the initial drafts that she sent me for the representation of an important emotion which “frustration”- Cristina sent me a very clean, minimal and linear piano piece. While I thanked her for this draft and pointed out the bits where the stability of sound work well, I expressed that this piece is important and it needs to represent the emotions accurately. It’s a mix between bottled up emotions, release and hiddeness. I explained, through the example of one of the stories of Marina and other cancer caregivers (those who shared their stories with me), some highlighted points:
” In mid December my mother passed away and I was too busy with Drew to make the 900km journey to say goodbye. It was tough. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
Marina, Non professional cancer caregiver
“This has made me realize life is truly random and unpredictable. We have no control over things, and there seems to be no concept of fair vs unfair. It really makes you feel kinda lost.”
Non-professional cancer caregiver
I am not so sure of my place and comfort in the world anymore. We were together 40 years and I never saw my future without him in it. We seemed to have it all, had sacrificed and made some wise decisions to set ourselves up for retirement, almost there and then Covid came upon the world followed closely by my husband’s diagnosis. We were swept away on the whirlwind that engulfed us until he passed away after 15 months.Life will never be the same.
Non-professional cancer caregiver
Therefore, showcasing frustration through music should be turbulent, non-linear, messy, with the incorporation of synthetic sounds and noise. I image it to be far from clean, linear and minimal. This is a piece that conveys darkness, anger, defeat, guilt, grief, injustice, frustration.
As I expressed this to Cristina, while reading some of the quotes and sharing some of the stories with her. She immediately understood. This too made her explore outside her comfort zone, a perfectionist and classically trained pianist and composer, ready to explore these emotions with much more freedom and understanding that there are no right rule, no neatness in such journey.
Again, 10 months ago, I could not have seen myself communicating this, nor standing my ground on the importance of my vision and the representation of these collective narratives. Throughout the masters, understanding the importance of process, knowledge, communication and exploring the outside of our comfort zone – I have gained the trust with myself to listen to my gut, believe in my vision, respect other’s work while being open-minded to suggestions and feedback, and also – speaking from true stories, research and passion. I have certainly grown.
Here’s an extract of frustration/anger/defeat/guilt – early draft. With some corrections of messiness, dust and imperfection.