Today I woke up realising it’s the very last day of academic hand ins. It almost feels like the end of a very chaotic time (in the best of ways). I waited to do one last post on the day to have a true sense of overall reflection, though the idea of finishing a masters feels unreal.
Looking back at Unit 1 and 2, all of the activities that we undertook, all the feedback that we were giving, starts making much more sense. There mini steps into building our confidence, research methods and our strength towards believing in what we say/do/research.
Looking back at Unit 3, I realise the importance of consistency within research and the magic of testing ideas. I have found it liberating to be open to failure and to accept that it is as important as getting things “right”. Looking back, moving away from writing and online community building feels like a big step for me.
It’s easy to get stuck with an idea, more so if it feels safe. I had done that for a while because it felt controllable, when so much has been out of my control for the past year. But what I have learnt during this unit is that most is not really under our control, only our energy, resilience and perseverance truly are. So, if I have those elements in mind, no matter how bad an idea can turn out to be, it is still worth giving it a go. No matter how uncomfortable trying something new might be, it is still worth getting there and doing it.
I wondered: what agency do I have to even think I can make music? How am I meant to lead a composer (who has been trained for years) into creating what I envision and have researched? Why would people want to listen to a long piece and care? But the truth is, after these doubts emerged, I realised I genuinely had an answer to them.
Yes, I have never tried making music. But I have listened to music my whole life, everyone in the world who can, has listened to music and has had an emotional connection to a song, or a sound. Music reaches all corners. I choose it because it allows the message to be spread no matter the language, no matter the age, no matter the gender or race. It just is, music.
Then, I wanted to make sure I kept my project accessible, as most times I preach about the importance of inclusivity and accessibility. I decided to incorporate dance, and test it – so that in the future, I can develop the piece into dance as well.
I wondered again, what agency do I have to direct or work along a dancer when I’ve never done that before? But again, I had many answers to that.
This is when I realised the importance of research, consistency and vision.
The people I ended up working with for this project – are fascinated with the concept and share the drive and passion to make it happen. They’ve listened to my feedback, my opinions, they’ve read the cancer caregivers stories, they’ve soaked up the emotions, I first hand explained my own. They took it, they respect it, they admire it.
Recently, I was sent a dance draft to one of the pieces Cristina and I have been developing, this one is the most important one: Love (state of pureness)
It was probably one of the most beautiful things to ever happen to me, to see my long time hard work and vision being danced to and represented with such care and respect. It showed me that the project is now taking true form, and that the research truly is a strong foundation to work on.
Furthermore, I love how open Cristina, the musician, has been to my thoughts and feedback. Listening to the emotional ride I intend to show and explaining ways in which this can be showcased. I send her examples and explain her – I direct her. I have only directed film in the past, for me this feels so out of my comfort zone but in the most fulfilling way. I want caregivers to feel this journey and resonate, I want non caregivers to listen to it and truly be aware.
Conversations between Cristina and I, working on the piece “Strength” – explaining I visualise a crescendo, and a more orquestral incorporation of sounds – with some dust in it to represent the particles of hopefulness. This piece, shows resilience, pushing through, hopeful news, holding to the good.
My journey throughout this unit has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There was a point where I felt so stressed and anxious because my mum’s newest scan was coming up. The results were not good. I don’t share this in order to share my sorrows, but instead to explain that cancer caregiving truly is a journey of constant uncertainties and mixed emotions. I hope, truly, I am able to portray that through this long piece of music. I hope it makes people feel something, that is sparks a sense of empathy or better understanding towards cancer caregivers, who are often met with this role out of nowhere and don’t really know where to start. I hope it gives them a voice through melodies and they feel represented it, that there’s someone out there listening (literally).
This unit 3 has changed me and it has taught me many lessons I will carry on for a lifetime as a person and as a creative.
That’s my final reflection.